I cried the entire drive home.
January 20, 2020 was a day that I’m having trouble recalling all of the details. But what I do know is it was a very emotional day.
I started the day by waking up at 3:30am to get a quick elliptical workout in before needing to be at the hospital at 6:30am. I thought working out would clear my head, give me more energy and keep me more positive… I was wrong.
On my hour drive, through a little snowstorm, to meet my family, I had many honest and blunt conversations with God and my Grandma and Grandpa Watters. I was angry, I questioned a lot in life, I questioned my beliefs, I was sad and so very scared.
“Don’t be selfish, it’s not her time!”
“My mom is too young and we need her here!”
“My mom is supposed to travel with me, speak on stages and inspire people around the world!”
“Jack and Mady need their Grandma, don’t you dare take her!”
“Krista and I need our Mom and my dad needs his wife!”
Those were just a few of the conversations I had that long snowy drive to the hospital, to watch my mom go into surgery, on her heart.
Walking into the enormous entrance of the hospital was something I honestly didn’t want to do that day, but I couldn’t be anywhere else, it wouldn’t have felt right. I needed to be there with my Mom, my sister and my dad.
Seeing my mom lying in a hospital bed with her strong and brave smile on her face, should have made me feel more comfortable, but it honestly made me angry. I was angry my mom had to be in that bed in the first place. It made me angry that she needed to look strong for my sister, my dad and I.
You see, my mom is the strongest woman I know. No, she’s the strongest human I know! She’s the glue that holds our amazing family together! She’s the one I call when I’m excited, when I’m happy, when I’m sad and when my dad has pushed my buttons (which happens often) and I tell her “Your Husband ….” and she just laughs and says “what did he do now?”. My mom is my role model and everyone would be so lucky to have a role model like her! She is a strong, independent, loving woman that works her tail off at everything she does and is the biggest advocate for all of the wonderful people in her life. She’s my world!
So yeah, seeing her in that hospital bed ready to be taken away from me to have a team of doctors work on her beautiful heart, really pissed me off!
My sister asked the four of us to pray. My Mom, Dad, Krista and I, held hands while Krista prayed. Dad and I for sure had tears in our eyes. Krista did such a beautiful job!
Thankfully my rational and incredibly smart sister and jokester (when he’s worried) dad were in the room with me. Because if it was just me in there I would have been even more irrational than I already was. Yes, I did tell the doctor, “Hey Doctor, you better take really good care of my mom! We have really big dreams and plans for her future and we need her back better than ever! Oh no pressure.” And yes, I did not smile before during or after that statement.
I hugged and kissed my mom. I grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes and told her that Krista, Dad and I were going to be in the waiting room planning out her future so when she wakes up we have a lot of work to get done! She smile back at me and said she was ready for that!
The next 6+ hours were the longest 6 hours of my life. Right now it’s all a bit of a blur. Krista and I worked a lot on my side hustle, planning out the phases of the projects and all of the hopes and dreams. I asked Krista, “will you be my Roy?” She said “who is Roy?” I replied “will you be the Roy Disney to my Walt?” If you don’t know what that means, Roy Disney was the guy that executed all of Walt’s dreams. Walt was the visionary and Roy executed. She so wonderfully agreed!
We kept dad busy as well. He listed to a few hours of Les Brown motivational talks. Dad LOVES Les Brown! Then we put him on my Ipad to watch some movies. He of course took a walk and chatted up the people of the hospital! Mr. Social doing what he does best! We also had a few wonderful people stop by and keep us company. We are so grateful for everyone that stopped by to say hi!
I did pretty well keeping my emotions in check (locked behind bars) not thinking about the actual surgery. Every once in a while it would creep up and I’d hold back those emotions. I know, I know… not healthy!
After the long 6+ hours they told us we could come back to the consult room, the doctor was ready to talk with us. In the room it felt like we were waiting for hours. I was getting cranky from waiting so long and I voiced my concerns. Krista so nicely said “Katey it’s only been a minute!” I just wanted to hear if she was ok or not. Give me a yes or a no!
The doctor came in and I stopped breathing. I was terrified to look as his face. I finally got the courage to look at him, he smiled and said “the surgery went very well and she is in recovery”. I felt I could breathe a bit again… but I also thought to myself “I’ll believe it when I see her”.
The doctor went on to show images of what they did, talk about the surgery and honestly I tuned it all out. All I could do is imagine my future with my mom, the way it was supposed to be, the way it still could be now that she’s still with us!
I could see us both on stage speaking to huge stadiums changing the world! I could see her playing with Jack and Mady, teaching them all she knows! I could see her laughing at my dad for being such a stinkin’ weirdo dancing in the house! I could see her working with my sister in all of their spreadsheets, ruling the world in their CRAZY organization skills, planning the next big thing we all were going to do! I could see her with our family outside on a summer day having a cookout. Mom, Dad, Krista, Alex, Jack, Mady, Chad and I, all laughing and teasing each other, like we do best!
All I wanted to do is run back through the hospital doors and find my mom!
We went back to the waiting room until they had her in the hospital room for us to see her. It felt like forever. I sat down and put my head on the table. Trying so hard to keep my emotions in. I had every feeling anyone could ever have fill my body all at once. It was overwhelming. I told my dad and sister I needed to go for a walk. We all went for a walk. I thought we might as well finally get something to eat seeing none of us really had anything good to eat yet. I went to a local sandwich shop and grabbed food and brought it back. Once we finished eating they let us know that she was being moved up to a hospital room. We grabbed all of our stuff and headed up to the 6th floor.
We must have been practically running. We got up to the 6th floor and talked to the gentleman at the front desk and he told us she was not in the room yet. So we turned around and went to the waiting room on the 6th floor. At this point we all were so sick of waiting and all we wanted was to see Mom!
While in the waiting room my dad and sister were sitting against the windows and I was on the other side facing them. I looked up from my computer and I saw three birds land on the window sill between my dad and sister. I had this overwhelming feeling and said “Hey, look it’s Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Steven, letting us know she’s ok!” It was crazy, two of the birds sat there and stared in sitting between my dad and sister.
Finally, the time we have been waiting for! Did I mention I don’t like hospitals? Walking into the hospital room I was so scared. On one hand I couldn’t wait to see my mom and on the other hand I wanted nothing to do with that hospital room. Once I saw my moms face and she smiled at me all of my worries went away! I felt light, I felt happy, I was so grateful!
I spent time with my mom. She was still trying to wake up, she was uncomfortable because she had to be on straight bed rest, flat for 6 hours!
It was so wonderful spending time with her, hearing her voice, seeing her smile. Once I knew she was doing well I decided to head home. I gave her a hug and kiss and told her I’d be back in the morning after my work meeting to see how she was doing!
I cried the entire way home.
I cried happy tears, I cried sad tears, I cried angry tears and I cried grateful tears. Every single emotion I held in all day long flooded out of me at one time. It was overwhelming and all I wanted to do was call the one person I would call when I felt this way… my Mom! I knew I couldn’t, she needed to rest, she needed to heal. I would have called my dad or my sister but they both were still with my mom and I did NOT want her to worry about me! I called the next best, Jess. She had called me earlier but I couldn’t take the call, so I thought, I could call her back now.
Long story short, I called her at 7:45pm her time. I was crying. I tried to tell her everything was ok as fast as possible but I was a mess. I scared the crap out of her, made her cry, oh and she was with her husband having dinner at their friends house! Yup I’m that friend, terrible timing friend, no chill friend! But she was exactly what I needed. She was the friend that I needed to just listen… listen to the total emotional mess that was me. I was and am so grateful she picked up!
Yes, I cried all the way home. I cried to Chad standing in the kitchen for over an hour when I got home. I went to bed with swollen eyes and passed out cold from exhaustion.
I woke up the next day, grateful but still sad and angry. What was wrong with me? How can I be grateful but sad and angry at the same time? My mom was alive! My mom is still with us! I should ONLY be grateful. But nope, not me. I’m still going to be sad. I cried a lot the next day and have cried every day this week.
Why am I writing this? One reason is because I need to get this out… I’m not a writer but I can hardly talk about any of this without crying, so I thought maybe typing this would help me heal.
But the main reason for me writing this is because I want to be honest and real. I have strived to be honest and real always in my life. I’m for sure not perfect but I everyday I try to be better than I was yesterday. Life is not perfect, we as people are not perfect but one thing I can do is to be honest and real.
Life sometimes sucks. This week has SUCKED! I’m still working through these emotions. Everyday it gets a little easier. Even though I’m sad and sometimes angry about all of this (don’t ask me why, it’s just how I am feeling), my overwhelming feeling is gratefulness! I’m SO grateful my mom is here! I love her so much and I still have my best friend, my mom! Everyday I tell myself that. When I’m feeling a bit sad, I remind myself how grateful I am!
I cried the entire drive home… and that’s ok!